Day 7 – New new neu?

Well we’re in our new place.  YIKES.  We are down to about 5 boxes (originally it was 15).  Everything feels new.  We have lived with hard wood floors for over 6 years and now we have carpet – new feeling on my feet.  The bathrooms are smaller and they ECHO – ummm the sounds are new.  The shower doors are completely see through – living with three, no at all shy, children – new sights to see. 

I’m used to walking around in my towel for a few minutes after my shower (if Im home alone) but HELLO – we live on the second floor and yeah the windows are EVERYWHERE – note to self: get dressed in the bathroom after shower immediatley.  Overall, I absolutely love the new place.  No more unannounced visitors (gated community) its a cozier than the last place and my kids seem happy.  Now to work on the “man”. 

I’m still very focused on my “goal” for September and so far so good.  Being a woman (the over thinking is second nature) I almost gave but nope its only day 7 and I have 23 more days for it to get easier and easier. 

I was watching Love Happens with Jennifer Aniston and that other actor guy (forgot his name – again dont feel like googling) and like all movies my mom gave me – it brought me to tears.  But he said something on there that actually made sense.  (Bare with me here) ‘Take time each day to smile – after awhile you wont need to force it – it will become second nature’.  Baby steps right? 

Anywhooo (focus on the positive – left foot in left foot out and shake it all about) ….. time to get started on these deposition summaries (Yea Im going to actually work today). 

A lil ol skool should help do the trick

September

I’ll begin by typing “Happy Hump Day” – yes we have made it through another month and half way through the week.  For many of us this hump day is no different than any other day.  We get up – make breakfast (or coffee) get the kiddos (or dogs) out the door and make our way to the place that hands us a piece of paper that amounts to stress and the knowledge we are broke.  But for others its a magical fun day filled with unicorns and daisy’s – and for you few bite, chew and swallow me . . thanks.

September 1st  can only mean fall is approaching.  Seeing as Global Warming and Loving Mother Earth has been dealing with us for the past decade or so, who knows what fall will be (I mean it could be summer weather or volcanic eruptions – no one can tell).  For me September means back to school for the kids and saving (yea who am I kidding) for Christmas. 

My current work location is above a Veterinarian Office.  I have worked here for almost three years and I can honestly say I havent learned a thing.  Well except I can type over 60 words a minute (hey spelling doesnt count) and I have a great phone voice (perverts suck).  A small firm where saying Fuck and Stupid Ass are common phrases my boss uses on a daily basis (hey who said you needed to graduate highschool to own a business).  Yes I have dreams and goals but somehow they have mutated into dreams and goals for my children.  And thats not a bad thing.  Now if I can just get my youngest to stop announcing his bodily functions and the aroma’s they cause, we could be in business. 

Each month I set out a new challenge for myself.  In August it was getting to know myself again.  I’ve learned a lot last month – havent mastered the challenge but I have learned a lot.  Seriously, taking a moment out of each day and just concentrating on nothing and listening – you really get a sense of things.  I cant say I know exactly who I am but I am a lot closer than I was before.  So this September (aside from still getting to know myself) my challenge is this: Forgetting.  Now I didnt say Forgiveness (whoa whoa slow down there buddy – haha oh no Im not ready for that just yet) but I really want to go through the day and not think about the bad shit.  You know replaying in the mind of what this and that person did and then the whole wanting to get even and thinking very very bad thoughts.  Yea, so unhealthy.  Now this is a big challenge for me but I’m pretty optimistic on/for/at the end result (or ending up in prison) either way something’s gotta come out of this one.

So here’s to (oh wait I dont have a beer . . . hmmm oh a bottle water will do) :clearing throat and sitting up tall: Here’s to “Forgetting”.  Happy Hump Day

Random Monday Word Vomit

It’s Monday morning and I’m staring at my keyboard with a million thoughts running through my mind.  Memories of the weekend that just past, conversations with friends I will never forget and the victory smiles from the boys as they won their first game.  I dont really have one particular subject to type about.  So I’ll type and see where my fingers and mind take me.   

Today is the first day of school for two of my children.  My eldest will start highschool after the holiday weekend.  I cant believe summer is ending and I see Halloween items for sale at the local gorcery store.  Is it me or does the years zoom by the older you get?  I remember being a child and the school year seemed to last 50 years and summer was a never ending vacation.  But as the years go by it seems I blink and my youngest son went from learning to crawl to tackling on the football field.  Pretty soon we’ll be asking our children their plans for the weekend and scheduling quality time with them.  (squeezing my eyes shut – yes yes it is too early to drink and hello your at work . . . ok ok you gotta point but its still too early to drink).

I look in the mirror and discover new lines around my eyes.  Certain foods that I used to eat keep me up at night and staying out till 3am now take two days to recover from.    It boggles me.  I still got it, dont I (just nod and move on). 

My really good friend just found out she is having a baby.  Her first child at the age of 32.  I cant help but start to do the math.  By the time her first child will be in Kindergarten she will be approaching 40.  And in her 50’s for highschool graduation.  But as I am the young mother (the fast girl in highschool that was taught a lesson early on) my tummy hurts thinking about starting over.  Although it may not sound like I am extremly happy for her (one – its not me for the 2 am feeding and the crying… two – as her very close friend I get to enjoy the perks of having a baby without having the baby and three – she is absolutely GLOWING)I am!  But I cant help but want my friend for my own selfish reasons.  I mean it will be almost a year and half before she will get to enjoy our wine nights or even an occasional beer.  Yeah I know I know I am a selfish bitch but hey at least Im honest.  And you know what they say (I would quote it but really cant remember – but I know its a good one).

Moving day is approaching and boy am I excited (oh joy – Im a liar!).  I wish I were the main chick on BeWitched (dont fill like googling her name but you all know who I am talking about).  Wiggle my nose and its all done.  Im starting to have dreams (nightmares) of moving.  Just the thought of what my next week will be like – ugh I am exhausted.  My kids are so anxious.  Little do they know just how close we will be getting – and I mean it literally.  Oh Lord I think its time to get a lock for the kitchen knives or any kitchen/bathroom appliance that can cause bodily harm.  And thats just for the protection of my husband of course (hmm maybe posting that little piece of information isn’t too smart – naw I have an excellent attorney).  Like I said this will be a grand ol adventure.  As you all have read, these past couple of months have sucked donkey balls – literally.  The ups and downs  – one extreme to another.  But everything happens for a reason (if someone can tell me who invented that little saying please let me know I have some questions and concerns for him/her, both verbal and physical). 

Well its been a lovely 36 minutes and though I hate to end our moment together I really must get some work done a.k.a. catch up on my Hulu.  I can not wait for the new season of Modern Family and Parenthood begin!  

Monday Music Mood ~ Enjoy

Birthday Eve

The moon last night was amazing!  I sat out side and took it all in.  Placed a chair by the pool enjoyed the crisp night air.  I let my mind wonder – thoughts and memories.  And just then I felt her.  My mom.  I couldnt help but cry.  Not just any cry but the whole hiccup cant breathe cry.  In all honesty I am a very unattractive crier.  Boogers, red swollen eyes, ugly facial details nothing like how those actresses protray in the movies.  You know the sentimental cry that hits the heart but they still maintain.  Oh no not me. 

The tears and the uncontrollable sobs were at first very sad.  I stared at the moon and the bright star next to it (I think Mars) and I wondered what the view would be from heaven.  What my mom could see.  Everything was so still.  The kids were asleep no crickets chirping not a single rustle of the leaves interrupted this sob filled moment.  The air seemed to fill in around me in a thick cool hug.  My first birthday without hearing her say it.  Without seeing her and giving her a big hug thanking her for the newest book she had purchased for me.  It hurt.  So much bullshit has been going on and at times it gets very overwelming.  It would be so much easier to throw in the towel.  But I cant.  How can I?  My mom never did.  She fought she stood up and screamed “What else you got?!” I am a product of this amazing woman and I am proud of all the lessons she has taught me.

So on this Birthday Eve I will cry – yes but I will continue to fight with tear stained cheeks.  I cant and will not throw in the towel.  And I will wait patiently to see each one of those bastards get their karma HAHAHA . . okay that was mean maybe I’ll not exactly watch but I will laugh.  Happy TGIF

Awesome-ness

Seriously the caption writer AWESOME 🙂

Music moves me

Unfortunately this song sums it all up.  Ugh

Mom

Hi mom.  Can you believe Monday is my baby’s birthday?  He misses you.  We all miss you.  Its only been 2 months since I lost you.  And it still doesnt feel real.  Good Ol Dad stopped calling long ago.  But I guess we all knew that would happen.  Old habits are hard to break, especially 30 years worth. 

I havent felt you lately.  Im sorry I havent been doing to well lately.  I cant say I have been trying very hard either.  I keep falling mom.  I keep losing my balance and falling.  I feel so bad going to Dee’s house.  Passing your room.  I cant do it very well.  Damn mom I miss you.  I miss you so much.  You werent suppossed to leave so early.  You still had so much fight in you.  Much more fight than I could ever have.  I didnt realize how much I took your presence for granted until it wasnt there anymore.  Your voice, your touch even your beautiful smile. 

I picked up the phone last night and pressed “mom” just to hear it ring.  And deep down I was hoping you would answer.  And I sat there thinking of all the things I would say.  And mom all that kept coming to me was I love you.  I love you so much.  I know you loved me.  I know you sacrificed and worked hard to keep us ok.  And you did a wonderful job. 

Thank you for being my mom.    I love you momma