Archive for the ‘ sex ’ Category

Flippity Flap Fact Friday

Gooood Morning and Happy Friday 🙂

I am all hyped up on my coffee so excuse my stuttering fingers.  As always, before I educate your spongy minds ( I mean that in the best way possible – if thats possible) tomorrow we will be celebrating my father n laws 70th birthday.  Many of you know I lost my mom a couple years ago and in these last couple of years satan has tried to throw his worst species my way (seriously this post isnt about you – move on) but God has blessed me 10 times over with the most amazing family a woman could ever dream of.  As all you ladies know – when you marry, you marry them ALL 🙂

“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” ~ Joyce Brothers

*** and now drum roll please (tried to spell it but your imagination will have to do) ***

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes

Well Flippity FLAP!   Have a wonderful weekend



Oh it must be hump day cause I’m feeling groovy

Over these past three and a half weeks I have been hard at work trying to improve my body both inside and out.  I’ve had to make some small sacrifices but in the end it will be all worth it.  Through my interesting (short) journey I have developed some new obsessions.  Dont Judge

#1 – WATER and not just any water I have been obsessing over Desani.  Up to 2 Liters a day and I swear if I pee one more – DAMN be right back!

#2 – Kettlebells – after using these babies I cant imagine working out with out them

#3 – Panty Liners – Have you ever complete a hard weight workout and then hit the treadmill for 15 minutes on an incline routine?  If you have then you know your butt and “area’s” sweat.  If yours dont then well EFF off cause mine do!  And I prefer NOT to go into the grocery store with a wet croch, thank you very much.

#4 – Romaine Lettuce – These are THEE best thing EVER!  If you have some tuna and some sandwich spread – mix those bitches up and spread it in this fine piece of lettuce with a sliver of Zesty dill pickle and you got yourself a MEE-YUUMIE lunch.  Dont get me started on the plethora of wraps you can make with these bad boys!!

#5 – Barefoot Wine – Since I have been a non-beer drinker this handy dandy wine selection has been such a great thirst quencher.

#6 – Naked Juice SMOOTHIES – honestly the only reason I love them is because I like saying “I just had me a naa-ked” bar-chicka-wow-wow HA!

#6 – Ice Cubes – no not the rapper the actual ICE – water is boring boring boring with added texture its somewhat tolerable.  PLUS ice cubes in your wine help dilute it a bit :sigh: have I said Spring/Summer suck???  No?!?!  Damn shorts damn swimsuits damn them all!

#7 – Liquid Gel Advil – I just need to say one word – SORE.  These are a must have!

#8 – My iPod and earbuds – What would I do without my dearest iPod?  If I had to listen to my breathing and complaining while I workout I would seriously throw my workout DVD’s through a window.  :note to self send apology note to downstairs neighbors: who knew a DVD can do so much damage?? 

My last obsession is a little tricky to post – so I’ll just say it vibrates :wink wink: HA!

Have a great DAY!  WOO HOO manana es Cinco De Mayo – Orale HAHAHAHA

Oh Yea – He’s Scarred FOR LIFE

Everyone has a memory or has a story of a friend’s memory from childhood of walking in on parents having sex, right?  Oh yea . . . . I’ve touched that inner fear, that locked away image you keep extra tight way deep in your  secret memory vault you so want to forget.  A HA!  Well we have given that same gift to our youngest.  And boy was it a doosie.

Like normal couples with children, we all have a designated time when we can do the dirty.  Some prefer the closet, some prefer the bathroom.  All in all, if you have children you have to coordinate the sexual escapades just right to prevent the scream of horror and utter embarrassment of your children catching you in the act.  For years my husband and I have been the braggers amongst our friends with children who havent been caught.  They all have said “just wait, you guys will have your day” and we never thought it would happen to us.  We have both experienced the nightmare of catching a friend’s parents going at it and we would pay top dollar to get that image removed from our memory. 

Oh yea we were amongst the few, the elite set of parents who could brag well that is until last Wednesday night.  (insert dum DUM DUUUUMMMM sound here). 

It started off as any other spring vacation day.  My husband and I took the day off work to take our youngest to a Padre game.  We had amazing seats.  Our youngest was absolutely thrilled.  And because we’re high rollers (NOT) we sat in the all-you-can-eat section.  The day was perfect, great view, great food and great drinks!  We ran into one of my son’s friends there, they didnt have the wrist ban for the food so we made a deal.  We’ll give you all the hotdogs/drinks/popcorn/peanuts you want in exchange for beer (oh come one now thats a deal!).  Remember its ALL YOU CAN EAT.  The kids had a blast.  They caught some balls and we enjoyed our beers. 

All in all it was a good day.  My son beamed from ear to ear telling his older brother and sister about his day at the ballpark. 

That evening, like normal, we all get the ready for bed.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  And like normal 2:00AM rolls around and I feel a *tap tap tap* on my shoulder and its mommy and daddy time (OH YEAH).  I’m not sure when it happened but IT DID and we heard “OH MY GOD DAD GET OFF MY MOMMY!!” then SLAM of the bathroom door.  Of course my husband was as suave as a deer caught in the headlights scrambling to get himself together, where as I just laid there and thought “maybe if I stay real still no one will see me” – uh no – that didnt work. 

I immediately asked my husband if we should go talk to him and of course he said “no babe it’s all good he’ll be fine he’ll forget all about it” . . another wrong move.  First thing the next morning my son runs out to the dining room and begins to laugh. 

Siah (while he’s humping the air shouts) – “You guys are gross – Dad you were all crazy on top of mom!  I cant believe you were making a baby last night!  Mom said you weren’t going to have anymore you guys lied!” 

Dad – “we weren’t making a baby.” 

Siah – “eww then you were putting it in my mom on purpose????”

Dad – “Pop, we do that all the time”

Siah – “Well not anymore, I’m gunna start sleeping with you guys.  Your gunna break my mom dad!”

At that we left things alone (mostly because we couldnt stop laughing and I know I was RED from embarrassment).  I decided to talk to him about it later when my husband wasnt around.  But I know my son will NEVER forget what he saw.  He must have told his brother and sister a 100 times and some of his cousins about his ordeal.  OH the joy of Marriage and Children.

One taste was all it took

There was nothing I wanted more.  The feeling of it on my lips and in my mouth.  I longed for the subtle taste and flavors that would  gently glide down my throat.  The smell of it brought me to places and thoughts that had been locked away.  The sides of my jaw began to tingle with excitement.  I managed to dress for the occasion.  A nice relaxing outfit groomed for the right fit.  My hair let down and my stress of the day slowly melting away. 

Who wouldn’t want a feeling like this?  Wasnt this the reason we all worked so hard for, a moment of satisfaction?  I closed my eyes and brought it to my mouth.  Delicious.  It was exactly how I remembered it.  It’s like it was made to fit in my hands and prepared for only my mouth.  It had a connection with me and it knew I needed it just as much, in its own way, as it needed me.

Of course one taste wouldnt be enough.  There’s no satisfaction in just having one try.  I took it into my mouth once again and took another big swallow.  Mmmmm, it had me the first time I had ever experienced it.

I do LOVE my ice cold beer.  HEY where was your mind at?

Craigslist, the new dating site?

I decided to walk to work this morning.  It’s been over a month or two since I’ve done this and figured what the heck – let’s do it.  I had forgotten what a great walk it was.  To have 15 minutes of just not thinking about anything except for watching out for that damn curb that seems to trip me up, it always get me.  Well who am I kidding being a woman, mom and wife there is NO such thing as not thinking about anything.  A woman’s mind is constantly going, period.  

My thoughts pondered on a number of things, and if you really knew knew me you would know some of these thoughts are out there – sometimes.  Last night I read about the movie craigslist killer (I think that’s the name of it) and I began to wonder if that were true.  Are there personals on craigslist?  I thought people only went on there for jobs, houses or pets.  So of course I ventured on the website, you know for research purposes.  And low and behold I was wrong.  There are a ton of personal ads.  My curiosity was peeked.  I couldn’t help but read some of these entries.  Did you know there are couples out there looking for a third player in their bedroom!?  Did you know there are people that advertise their “services” and do not mind it would only be an hour of pleasure.  CRAZY!  There are women on there that have husbands away in the Navy who want “quality” time but just sex.  

I am not internet savvy or understand all of these little abbreviations out there, but because I researched these personals I learned quit a few.  For example NSA – means “no strings attached”, BBW – Big Black Woman (there are other meanings behind BBW – that was just one of the meanings) ONS – one night stand, the list gets more and more interesting. There are others w4w t4m m4w (so many 4 scenarios I lost count). 

 As I read some of these I wondered who answers these ads?  Who places them?  Are they all killers?  Is this a common thing?  I wanted to get to know more about online hook-ups and googled “on line hookups” and hundreds of sites popped up.  Some of them were porn videos, hey Im not here to judge.  There are sooo many advertisements about or (to name just two).  Is it really that hard to meet someone these days?    

My research ended just as quickly as it started and man did I need a drink after.  I tried to explain to my husband about my new found education.  I went into great detail about the websites and personals I had encountered (we seriously have no secrets – well almost none).  He seemed like he was interested a.k.a. listening but as it turned out all he heard was “naked” “porn” ect.

 “Babe you really watched porn on the internet?”

 “No babe!  I said …” just as I was about to go further he lost interest a.k.a. went back to his music on his laptop.

 “Oh I thought you said you were watching porn.  Can you grab me a beer while your up?  You should hear this mix I just made” 

“Did you hear anything I said?” 

 “Yea yea yea babe I was listening and don’t you worry we’ll head to the video store later to buy a couple, I don’t want you watching that on your laptop – you’ll catch a virus”.  Ugh men!

BC versus AD – where does 2011 fit in?

Hey guys – long time no blog.  Har Har Har

I have a question for ya.  Im watching Wednesday night TV (aka Reba because I only get the tube between 8 and 9) and many of the commercials are about being “germ free” or “use clorox it gets rid of 99% of germs”.  And you know it got me thinking.  Back in the day (bible days) they didnt have clorox or germ killer or even hand sanitizer – and get this – they lived to be like 400 years old!  They didnt have refrigerators to keep their chicken fresh or humid temp sensitive drawers to keep our vegetables crisp.  If you think about it – they didnt even have running water.

Back then they had bacteria eating their skin . . hello scarlet fever!  Now we have cancer, heart disease, AIDS, STD’s, plastic being injected into our bodies to look younger!  WTF is going on with us!?!  How can we tell our children its ok to be who you are when everything around us is screaming CHANGE YOURSELF!  Its a scarey world we’re living in and its only gunna get worse if we dont change. 

With all these birds dying and the whole “end of the world” coming scenarios – it makes me wonder . . . . “what the hell are we doing???”  We have to be doing something wrong right?  We have all of this new “technology” all of this new “ways to live longer” but in truth it seems like we’re killing ourselves quicker. 

In the olden (urrg sorry spelling) days couples (gay or straight) stayed with each other “for good or worse” but now the media teaches our children that marriage doesnt matter.  And if you want to get married – hey write E or TLC so that maybe you can get a reality show.  And HELLO if your 16 get pregnant!  MTV will hit you up! 

What it comes down to is this – we are a truely fucked up generation. 

Damn now I need a drink


As many of you know (all 4 of ya) I have been attempting to exercise these past couple of days and so far its been such a pleasure.  Literally.  Every evening I try to do at least 20 minutes on the elliptical and every morning I have been trying to do a quick 10 minute warm up/body tone.  Well the whole toning part has a great deal to do with the core aspect of it. 

Well this morning as I was attempting my Kettle-Bell 10 minute tone workout I felt something begin to happen.  I looked around and I thought “am I really getting turned on by something I hate to do?”.  As I got further into the workout I began to feel the pre-orgasm feelings begin to arise.  It began to get to the point where I I wanted to work out harder.  Am I a pervert?  Am I that addicted to sex that I turn to the Kettle-Bell for pleasure

I automatically wanted to call Celebrity Rehab and get Dr Drew on the phone.  I have an addiction I just know it!  I felt so ashamed.  (in case your wondering – yes I completed my workout very relaxed and satisfied) I didnt call Dr Drew but I did call my husband and tried my best to persuade him for a nooner but that didnt go as planned. 

When I got to work I began to research sex addiction and rehab (aka celebrities that are going through the same thing) and I came across an article on Fitbie.  The title “Coregasm”.  I immediately clicked and began to read.

 “It’s probable that feel-good feeling you get from contracting your muscles during core exercises can mimic those generated during genital-stimulated orgasms.”

IM NOT ALONE!  This is normal!!!  PHEW!  Well now I feel liberated.  Exercising has taken on a whole new mind set for me now.  No wonder most of these women on the DVD’s look so happy and refreshed.  I always hated them.  But now I want to BE them.  Can you imagine how many coregasms these women have?  AND they get a profit from it!  2011 here I come – more fit and much more satisfied :wink wink:

Wednesday Humor

Because this sh** is freakin hilarious!

Bronze Baby

I decided (on the down low mind you) that I would begin to use a sunless tanner during this wonderful winter season.  Why?  Well as you all have experienced – we didnt have a normal summer.  I live in San Diego and it was by far thee oddest summer we had in over 10 years.  Normally, its all about the beach, pool, parks and bay but we did not do none of it.  As a result, I have a weird tan.  Yup the three different lines on my legs and the multi tank top strap/non strap tan lines on my top. 

My Christmas party is coming up and I wanted to wear a low back top (I know sexy right-pffft HAHAHAHAHA) but my back is semi tanned looking a bit jaundice-like.  So my bright idea (insert lightbulb above head here) I thought I’ll use a sunless tanner every night and PRESTO – a nice shimmering tan.  Smart right?  Normally, that would be a great idea and as I have said it time and time and TIME again – I am thee furthest from normal.  Well . . . . last night after my shower I decided to rub this joyous cream ALL over.  Yes, including my face and buttox.  I had my daughter “evenly” apply to my back.  I told her NOT to tell the “man” (I hope to surprise him with my new found body and tan :wink wink: ) 

Well this morning as I began to get ready for work i noticed a giraffe like spot on my arm.  (See below)

Well CRAP! 

Sooooo tonight I will apply the second coat and hopefully get it right.  Watch out Jersey Shore Im bronzing BABY!

Muffins ALL around

Its official and I’m proud to admit it, I have a muffin top. This new personal attribute (did I use that right?) I have to thank my 18 new little friends that come by and bring me smiles and laughter and yes the carne asada fries. YUM – anywho yes I have a muffin top.

 At first it began as a little muffin – the pre muffin bump and I wasn’t too afraid of it. It would pop out every so often (Wednesday thru Sunday) but now it has blossomed to a whole flavor. I mean now it has frosting AND sprinkles.

Normally I wouldn’t care how this whole thing works out but now it’s starting to affect my bedroom life (yes now kiddies its time to read yet another blog). I mean seriously how sexy am I with my muffin top over my under-do’s?

What makes things worse is that my bedroom assistant (yes I do have one and no its not all about the vibrating tools-although I am OPEN to new inventions) has been “working out” and I say it with my fingers making the actual quote motion. So yea I feel a little out of shape.

Normally, being a female under the age of 35, I would buy the best gym membership call the best (aka cheapest but certified, well maybe) plastic surgeon and make my New Years resolution to be the sexiest woman mom (GAG) blab la bla. Now that’s “normally”. And well since you all have read my blogs you all know I am thee furthest from being normal. And so now I have a bit of a dilemma. I hate loathe spit upon cant stand HATE (wait did I already say loathe?) exercising. Period. PERIOD. So yea I hate exercising – in case you haven’t guessed it. BUT and I say it as my HUGE butt – LOVE sex. I love it. But lately I have been feeling a little “not in the mood”. Only cause when our stomaches clash they make that damn fart sound. And HELLO that is HELLA funny! I mean can you imagine getting all into it and :enter fart noise here: its like instant giggles! Well after that how do you get back into it without trying to avoid the fart sound (for those of you who don’t have that problem FUCK off).

So I need some advice. HELP – oh BTW I am NOT giving up my boos so that’s NOT an option! HAHA Have a HAPPY Friday