I envy the Praying Mantis

This morning – like every morning, I come into work and begin my internet search.  Check out what my best friends (the celebrities) are up to and what new fad I’ll try out this coming weekend.  But this morning I had a purpose for my search.  A couple of days ago I woke up with this MASSIVE pimple on my forehead.  You know the kind that hurts when you raise your eyebrows.  Of course I was pissed I was developing my new friend.  I haven’t had a zit since I was 16.  Maybe my skin is reverting back to my teenage years, I don’t know, but my ass/belly need to follow my skin’s lead.  Back to my point, I have that twitch that if I feel a bump I have the urge to scratch/squeeze that motha dry.  Unfortunately, the forehead is thee worse place to dissect – and really how do pimples form around this area?  Its not like theres enough cushion between the bone and skin to collect dirt/oil/nastiness in the first place.  Go on, feel your forehead – I’ll wait .  . . ..  .. . its like rubbing a thin layer of skin against the bone.  

My new friend formed right above my left eyebrow.  On Tuesday, even though my 9 yr old told me not to mess with it, I headed to the bathroom and began my surgical procedure.  BAD IDEA.  Nothing came out and all I felt was pain.  Grrrreeeaaaat so I did what any other normal person would do.  I packed some toothpaste on that bastard, crossed my fingers and hoped it would be better the next morning. 

Wednesday morning came and I burst out of bed and washed my face.  OH HELL TO THE NO!  It was WORSE!  It looked like I had a bullet hole (you know the kind you see in a movie) the size of a pencil eraser in my forehead.  Well crap!  My husband came in the bathroom and his first words were “what the hell happen to you?” – uh hello Mr Man you didn’t notice the toothpaste aroma coming from my head last night?  I briefly explained what happen and blamed him for it (it had to be someone else’s fault, it HAD to be).  I apparently burned my skin with the toothpaste.  I’m telling you its freaken NASTY!  I have a triple bday party to go to tonight and if I don’t find a beanie to hid this monster I aint going! 

Ok so back to my search – the best home remedy for blemishes (under statement of the century but whatever) and I came across a web site that gave great advice.  Lemon, oddly enough, is the best thing for blemishes.  Of course we don’t have lemon here at the office (what kind of business you think we’re running?) but we sure as hell have some limes (who doesn’t?).  After my morning visit to the facilities to rub the lime juices over my growth, I came back to my desk and read further.  Off to the side of this web site there is an ad for Vagina Tightening Cream.  No need to re-read that last line – I’ll retype VAGINA TIGHTENING CREAM.  

Of course I clicked the link (you know for research purposes) and the first line states: You probably have one question in your mind – How can I tighten my Vagina? (my first question in my mind went more like “WTF?  The Vagina gets loose?????”) I read the advertisement – I was baffled.  I immediately called my husband. 

“Is my Va-Jay-Jay loose honey?” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“I read online that my flower loses shape as I get older and there’s a cream to fix that” 

“Babe, your poo poo (his nick name for my vagina) is (insert dirty talk here) and everytime I (insert really dirty talk here) I (insert topper).”  – due to privacy and fowl language the rest of the conversation is prohibited on this blog 😉 

The point of this blog – Do not attempt to irritate a zit formed on your forehead and Lemon is the best home remedy for blemishes.  Now where did I put my Twix?