Archive for the ‘ Funny ’ Category

And baby makes 6

Tuesday already?  I seriously feel like I have lost a whole week of my life.  Kidney Infections are no joke and refuse to have one again.  I bought some cranberry pills to help with my “condition” .  Wow now do I feel old 🙂

Today is my first day I can have coffee.  I think I may have made it a bit strong but hey if your going to welcome back a habit might as well go big right?  Crap but I think I have already pee’d three times in the last hour and a half.  Aww well its good for my bladder 🙂

Last night our little family was blessed with a new member.  My husband has been waiting patiently for our little package for almost a year now and has been floating since our little man came home. 

Sabyn Tau (insert our last name here) born Aug 3, 2010 

And like many babies – the momma (thats me) has the joy of taking him to work, shopping, restroom, everywhere because daddy doesnt want his little man alone for one minute.  Thats fine for me but umm did he forget I have three other children that are attached to my behind?  This one isnt potty trained so its like starting all over again except they dont make diapers for these little guys.  Seriously, I packed a diaper bag this morning.  I had to make sure I had food, bottled water, his blankie and some chew toys.  And its sooo not cute when he farts.  I mean talk about the whole office smelling like dog fart!  And he’s still a puppy!  PEEEEE-UUU!!! 

My husband wants him to be 100% inside dog.  So that means I need (did I mention it was going to be me, just me with him 8 hours a day every day?) to potty train him.  I gotta make sure I time the food consumption and water drinkage ratio and walk his little butterball butt around until he drops his load.  Which is then followed by me scooping up that hott mess and disposing of it properly.  All of this while I work.  Did I mention I have a serious  gag reflex thing?  No? Well I do.  Hot shit in my hand (well in a plastic bag thing) and smell combination is down right yucko. 

The bright side is he is down right adorable and he smells fantastic!  My kids love him so come 4 o’clock its time to pass the torch and get to my other mom duties.  Its nice though – my hubby has the night potty duty – hey its his baby right?

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That aint no BUG!

The other night, as we were sleeping, I turned to my side and faced my husband.  I happen to glance at him and noticed he was WIDE awake.  You know that look (HUGE eyes) when you think you see something in the dark that some what (VERY much) horrifies you?  Yea that kind of wide awake.  Being that it was 2 in the morning it took me a minute for my brain to register he was awake and looked freaked out of his mind.  

“What’s wrong babe?” 

“There’s a huge bug over there” as he points to my side of the futon 

“Okay – wait WHAT!?” As I struggle to wiggle out of my blanket and get to my feet (you try doing all this while its dark and your half asleep and fairly freaked out that a HUGE bug was on your body) 

“Yea its about this long (he makes a 3 inch distance between his fingers) and this fat (about and inch and a half wide)” 

At this point Im at the furthest corner of the room (and yes the furthest opposite corner from where the alleged enemy was sighted).  I’m trying my best to look around and look towards the area my husband is now pointing at.  

“LOOK!  There it is!” My husband began moving away from the thing.  Okay wait up hold a minute!  If my husband is backing up from this monster it must be the size of a small cat.  I mean hello I watched Clash of The Titans I know how big these monsters of science can be.  This is a whole new world for us – surrounded by actual grass and trees, who knows what little monsters inhibit these parts.  

I searched the ground and I saw it.  This thing was making its way towards us.  It had no fear!  With one little step it was on top of the futon (where we sleep!) and only took about six steps and was headed towards the front door.  Like it knew exactly where it needed to be.  Of course I ran (no literally jumped up skipped and almost fell over my own feet and then began to run) out of its way.  My husband began shooshing (yes he was actually making the shooshing sound as he shooshed the massive beast) out the front door.  And like an obedient house pet it made its way out and we shut the door.  

The rest of the night was like sleeping with the enemy.  Every little sound movement or even hint of new air sent me over the edge.  I was convinced that thing had a small herd lingering somewhere in the shadows.  So you can imagine there was no sleeping after that.  But it gets worse … OH YEAH worse! 

The next morning as we got up and did our daily routine I felt bumps around my eyes.  These bumps actually hurt and burned as I put my facial cream on.  I looked closer and they were BITES!  WTF!?!  That little bastard was on my face!!!  Eating my eyeballs?!?!?!  I felt violated!!  I rushed over to my husband and showed him the evidence of the perpetrator.  “How exactly did you know that animal was around?” I probed my husband.  He was with-holding information – I could feel it!  Without making eye contact he said “Well I felt something on my face – so I flung it off me”  OH HELL TO THE NO!  And of course he flung it toward ME!  “So what your saying is you felt that thing on your face, flung it towards my side of the futon and just laid there hoping it would all go away?” – now I was freaking out!?!  Where was his loyalty?  Where was the protection????? (okay I may have been a little over dramatic but it was all still fresh) 

Well apparently (after careful interrogation strategies) this bug (demon spawn) crawled from MY FACE and onto my husbands.  Of course I’m thee only one who has bites from this this thing.  I know I had to smile and find the silver lining to this one.  

So, I smiled as I slapped the back of my husbands head 🙂 Silver lining – my carpet and perimeter of the condo will be steamed and sprayed, thanks to my so-called rescuer, thus resulting in a new fresh carpet feeling all over again.

Its contagious

7:00 AM – a ** Smile – oh yea its contagious.  The air smells so fresh this morning – everyone seems to be welcoming Monday, welcoming fall (or the all the sugar in my coffee has officially impacted my brain/vision) either way – it feels good. 

It has taken me all weekend to figure out what my goal for October would be.  This month I will be celebrating my 9 year wedding anniversary (well – day at the court house) and my late mom’s birthday (its the same exact day).  Each day it has been getting easier.  Honestly, following through on my goals and staying focused has really helped and I am rediscovering myself.  Lets recap shall we (Im telling you I have had LOTS of sugar – ehh ummm I mean coffee this morning)

August – Getting to know me again – Not worrying about what and who hurt me – and getting rid of the toxic people in my life.  Basically I broke up with myself and my past and decided to start a new relaitonship with myself – it may sound crazy but dont knock it until you try it.  So far Im liking myself a lot more and treating myself better.

September – Forgetting – this one has been TOUGH.  Women just dont forget.  Oh no no no.  We may act like we have but, like that song says “Its a thin Line between Love and Hate” you’ll wake up floating (sinking) in the Hudson ;).  Overall, its been a great goal to follow and it has helped me to continue to focus. 

October – **Smiling no matter what – and find the silver lining** – a smile goes a long way.  Even when you dont want to and everyone can eat shit and die – tell them with a smile .. come on all together now “you can eat shit and die” keep smiling.  Now didnt that feel good?  It doesnt matter how the person you have said that to feels what matters its how you felt after you said it.  Wheres the Silver Lining you ask – well notice you had the opportunity to say what you needed calmly and polite and the person was able to truely listen to what you had to say.  Nice isnt it?

On my walk to work this morning I had an opportunity to smile and find a silver lining (already able to begin my October goal – amazing)  I happen to get pooped on by a pigeon SMACK on my right boob.  Normally I would curse and pick up a rock and try to knock that son of a bitch right off the light post but instead I smiled and thought of the silver linning.  How is that something to smile about – you ask?  Well lets see – one: the pigeon’s digestive system is good to go now the pigeon can swoop down and continue to eat trash off the street thus cleaning up what someone had graciously left behind and two: I have the wonderful opportunity of using our facilities at work thus being thankful for running water and soap (not to mention I will smell of lavendar and vanilla thanks to Dove).  Its a win win for all involved. 

So today, and for the rest of the month lets all practice the smile and look for the silver linning.  You’ll see that even while your stabbing the chicken your cooking for dinner repeatidly with a knife while thinking its that someone in particular – smile and remember now your chicken will be nice and tender and juiced up with all the wonderful herbs and spices and bring smiles to those who will enjoy it.

HAPPY MONDAY 🙂

Yea Baby

7:15am No not another Thank Goodness its Friday post . . or Happy Oct 1st … naw naw naw <– u like that huh 🙂 . . lets put some pizzazz up in this Bit** . . if this doesnt make you smile and move in your seat, PLEASE exit the building and kick Rocks LOL

 – sorry but this was the cleanest copy I could find . . its awesome on Hulu

Happy Friday Bitches!  HAHAH sorry too much coffee 🙂 Passion Party Night . . OH MY WORD!

Passion Party Conversation

You know how all the moms tell you “be careful – kids pick up everything you say” – you would think, since I have two teenagers and a 9 year old that think their 21, I would use discretion more.  But then again – we’re talking about me here. 

So what happened was – LOL (I think I’ve had way too much coffee this morning).  Last night my husband and I were discussing this weekends schedule.  With one very important day… Friday. Now for all you ladies I have two words for you, Passion Party.  Whats this you ask?  For those of  you that are not familiar with Passion Parties, its not a tupper ware party but has plenty of plastic, latex and gizzmo’s.  A Passion Party is a party when a group of ladies (it could be co-ed depends on the hostess) get together and well hmmm – okay I’ll just say it – Its a sex party.  No no no not an orgy party or anything its you know where you can order/buy your favorite toys, lotions, creams, lingerie, ect. for the bedroom (or in my case the living room). 

Anywho – my husband is a DJ and was asked to DJ the after party for my best friends daughter (she’s the one having the party).  Of course my husband’s co-workers are anxiously awaiting for the after party (hello a bunch of tipsy ladies all “bothered” from all the variety of well you know).  Back to where I was going with this in the first place – so last night my husband and I were discussing Friday’s events.  From the time he needs to set up and what music he’ll need to play.  We thought our kids were getting ready for bed but as luck would have it our 9 year old is an excellent spy/recorder.  Of course my husband and I joked about the up coming evenings events and the gadgets he wouldnt mind me owning.  Afterall, we knew the majority of the women that would be there and more importantly all the men waiting for 9pm to roll around (insert dirty talk here).

This morning as I was getting ready for work, my daughter and son sat on their beds laughing.  Grrreeeat, please dont let this be about the Nookie Neighbors (see Naturalistic Paganism v Condo Nookie).  Oh no MUCH worse.  “Mom whats a dildo?” . . oh shit!  Ummm okay breathe – dont laugh.  “Dad said all the ladies were gunna be juiced up and ready for his boys cause of all the different dildos you’ll be looking at”.  “Did you listen to me and your dad last night?”.  “Yea I wanted to make sure you two weren’t gunna do anything, I saw you kiss daddy in the kitchen”.  “Your NOT supossed to listen to us when we’re discussing adult things. ”  “So, whats a dildo?”.  “A dildo is birth control now get ready for school and DO NOT say that word again!  Its a bad word just like Bendijo – You DONT say it”.  “Dang, okay then dont talk about stuff you dont want us to hear.  Gross birthcontrol thats to not have babies right?  Good I dont want no babies, Im going to buy my wife a dildo when I get married”.  Okay thats when I ran to the bathroom and laughed my ass off. 

Todays lesson – never assume your children cant hear you because you’ll make an ass of yourself 🙂

Oh it Must have been the weekend

Friday started off grand – I did meet up with an old friend but unfortunately she had just – I mean just just  broke up with her boyfriend (or the other way around) all due to her mother.  I really cant get into details over that but any over protective mothers out there (mind you my friend is 32 years old) Please do NOT run your daughters boyfriend’s license plates and then proceed to call his EX girlfriend for some dirt.  All of this screams “I AM A PSYCHO-OVER-PROTECTIVE MOTHER AND WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE IF YOU MARRY MY DAUGHTER YOU SON OF A BIT**” or something along those lines.  Anywho she was a mess and sometimes there arent any words (thank you Forrest Gump).

Saturday was fun.  Well it started off fun.  My youngest had his football game (we lost 18-22) but it was an exciting game.  We then headed to our oldest boy’s All Star picnic (aka ice chest and friends get together while the kids play baseball) and ended up at our friends house for some more drinks and finger foods.  Somewhere throughout my day I must have forgotten I needed some type of solid substance to balance out all my beverage choices and before I knew it (12 Midnight to be exact) my beverages decided it was time they vacated their temporary living space. 

Now since I’m a “classy” broad and very “clever” at this point – I felt it necessary to kill two birds with one stone.  So as I sat there on my porcelain friend I looked down and thought (or maybe I said it out load – seems my daughter said she could hear me having a conversation with no one) the “triangular space” is perfectly big enough to allow my beverages to exit while my bladder shrunk.  OH SO I THOUGHT but as you all know once you start the “up chuck” reflex there is NO WAY you can stop until your stomach decides it needs a break.  That “triangular space” was NO WAY near as large as I thought and so my chest, lap and the lil itty bitty part of the porcelain that was exposed (not to mention my Va Jay Jay) had been coated with Hot link and beer.  Scrumptious I know!  Did I mention we were at our friend’s house?? 

YUP – so after I showered myself off in their sink – I stumbled outside only to find my hubby staring at me wide eyed and then start laughing.  “Did you fall in the toilet??”  Oh it felt like I had.  I appologized to our friends and explained that I had just spewed and not to come near me as I would probably kill them with my odor.  My husband (the sober one – Thank God) gathered our things and we went home.  That night will go down in the books thats for sure. 

Sunday was ummm – nice.  I wanted to die for the majority of the morning but like the “champ” (its what the hubby calls me due to my alcohol tolerance level – I am SOOO not proud) that I am I showered and headed to yet another travel ball game (2pm), went out to dinner with the my babies and grocery shopped.  I know somewhere this last weekend I got some sleep but man it sure doesnt feel like it. 

Happy Monday – is it nap time yet???

Salsa Verde – and my “blonde” moment

I recently asked a very good friend of mine for her Salsa Verde (Green Salsa)- she emailed the recipe to me and because I am such a GENIOUS in the kitchen I absolutely knew I could make this simple easy salsa.  Once you read my response and later her email back to me I am absolutely mortified.  And you will truelly know why all of my sister n laws (there are 5 of them) call me “blondie”. 

Her email:

Subject: Salsa Verde 

12 Tomatillos (peeled and washed)
 
4 Green Anaheim Chilis (stems removed)
 
1 Jalapeno (stem removed)
 
2 Cloves of Garlic
 
1 TBSP Cilantro (chopped)
 
2 Avocados (cut in cubes)
 
salt and pepper to taste 
 
Boil Tomatillos, Chilis, jalapeno and garlic in enough water to cover. When soft (about 15-20 minutes) put in blender without the water and add cilantro salt and pepper.  Pour into a bowl and add cubed avocados.  Enjoy!

My response (I am SOOO EMBARRASSED):

Why did I read the first line and start crying?  Oh man what the heck is a tomatillo and peeled?  Can I find those in a can? 

Anaheim Chilis – Ummm I think my friend lives about 20 minutes from there so I can have her send me some  – this one I know I can do 

The rest of the ingredients I have – perfect  

Now the whole mixing together blender thing stuff – yeah that’s not going to happen.  And here I thought you were going to tell me to just wash, smash, mix, and serve  :sigh: Ok I will try once I get those chili things.  

Thank you Bun Bun

Her reply:

You can find anaheim chili’s at any local super market silly.  Tomatillos are right next to the jalapenos in the supermarket. They look like little green tomatoes with a dry skin around them. And no they don’t come in a can! LOL
Girl stay away from the knives and all electric appliances!  Let me know when you need it and I’ll make it for you.  Im frightened for your hubby.  LOL you made my morning!
 

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