Archive for the ‘ Funny ’ Category

Obsessions

Oh it must be hump day cause I’m feeling groovy

Over these past three and a half weeks I have been hard at work trying to improve my body both inside and out.  I’ve had to make some small sacrifices but in the end it will be all worth it.  Through my interesting (short) journey I have developed some new obsessions.  Dont Judge

#1 – WATER and not just any water I have been obsessing over Desani.  Up to 2 Liters a day and I swear if I pee one more – DAMN be right back!

#2 – Kettlebells – after using these babies I cant imagine working out with out them

#3 – Panty Liners – Have you ever complete a hard weight workout and then hit the treadmill for 15 minutes on an incline routine?  If you have then you know your butt and “area’s” sweat.  If yours dont then well EFF off cause mine do!  And I prefer NOT to go into the grocery store with a wet croch, thank you very much.

#4 – Romaine Lettuce – These are THEE best thing EVER!  If you have some tuna and some sandwich spread – mix those bitches up and spread it in this fine piece of lettuce with a sliver of Zesty dill pickle and you got yourself a MEE-YUUMIE lunch.  Dont get me started on the plethora of wraps you can make with these bad boys!!

#5 – Barefoot Wine – Since I have been a non-beer drinker this handy dandy wine selection has been such a great thirst quencher.

#6 – Naked Juice SMOOTHIES – honestly the only reason I love them is because I like saying “I just had me a naa-ked” bar-chicka-wow-wow HA!

#6 – Ice Cubes – no not the rapper the actual ICE – water is boring boring boring with added texture its somewhat tolerable.  PLUS ice cubes in your wine help dilute it a bit :sigh: have I said Spring/Summer suck???  No?!?!  Damn shorts damn swimsuits damn them all!

#7 – Liquid Gel Advil – I just need to say one word – SORE.  These are a must have!

#8 – My iPod and earbuds – What would I do without my dearest iPod?  If I had to listen to my breathing and complaining while I workout I would seriously throw my workout DVD’s through a window.  :note to self send apology note to downstairs neighbors: who knew a DVD can do so much damage?? 

My last obsession is a little tricky to post – so I’ll just say it vibrates :wink wink: HA!

Have a great DAY!  WOO HOO manana es Cinco De Mayo – Orale HAHAHAHA

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HAPPY FRIDAY

Just a typical Thursday night with my kids new “invention” of beanies . . yes yes my friends those are the remains of cut off sweat bottoms.  And the laugh – who is that duck laugh from – oh yes that would be my sister :o)

Oh Yea – He’s Scarred FOR LIFE

Everyone has a memory or has a story of a friend’s memory from childhood of walking in on parents having sex, right?  Oh yea . . . . I’ve touched that inner fear, that locked away image you keep extra tight way deep in your  secret memory vault you so want to forget.  A HA!  Well we have given that same gift to our youngest.  And boy was it a doosie.

Like normal couples with children, we all have a designated time when we can do the dirty.  Some prefer the closet, some prefer the bathroom.  All in all, if you have children you have to coordinate the sexual escapades just right to prevent the scream of horror and utter embarrassment of your children catching you in the act.  For years my husband and I have been the braggers amongst our friends with children who havent been caught.  They all have said “just wait, you guys will have your day” and we never thought it would happen to us.  We have both experienced the nightmare of catching a friend’s parents going at it and we would pay top dollar to get that image removed from our memory. 

Oh yea we were amongst the few, the elite set of parents who could brag well that is until last Wednesday night.  (insert dum DUM DUUUUMMMM sound here). 

It started off as any other spring vacation day.  My husband and I took the day off work to take our youngest to a Padre game.  We had amazing seats.  Our youngest was absolutely thrilled.  And because we’re high rollers (NOT) we sat in the all-you-can-eat section.  The day was perfect, great view, great food and great drinks!  We ran into one of my son’s friends there, they didnt have the wrist ban for the food so we made a deal.  We’ll give you all the hotdogs/drinks/popcorn/peanuts you want in exchange for beer (oh come one now thats a deal!).  Remember its ALL YOU CAN EAT.  The kids had a blast.  They caught some balls and we enjoyed our beers. 

All in all it was a good day.  My son beamed from ear to ear telling his older brother and sister about his day at the ballpark. 

That evening, like normal, we all get the ready for bed.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  And like normal 2:00AM rolls around and I feel a *tap tap tap* on my shoulder and its mommy and daddy time (OH YEAH).  I’m not sure when it happened but IT DID and we heard “OH MY GOD DAD GET OFF MY MOMMY!!” then SLAM of the bathroom door.  Of course my husband was as suave as a deer caught in the headlights scrambling to get himself together, where as I just laid there and thought “maybe if I stay real still no one will see me” – uh no – that didnt work. 

I immediately asked my husband if we should go talk to him and of course he said “no babe it’s all good he’ll be fine he’ll forget all about it” . . another wrong move.  First thing the next morning my son runs out to the dining room and begins to laugh. 

Siah (while he’s humping the air shouts) – “You guys are gross – Dad you were all crazy on top of mom!  I cant believe you were making a baby last night!  Mom said you weren’t going to have anymore you guys lied!” 

Dad – “we weren’t making a baby.” 

Siah – “eww then you were putting it in my mom on purpose????”

Dad – “Pop, we do that all the time”

Siah – “Well not anymore, I’m gunna start sleeping with you guys.  Your gunna break my mom dad!”

At that we left things alone (mostly because we couldnt stop laughing and I know I was RED from embarrassment).  I decided to talk to him about it later when my husband wasnt around.  But I know my son will NEVER forget what he saw.  He must have told his brother and sister a 100 times and some of his cousins about his ordeal.  OH the joy of Marriage and Children.

Wrappings Off – Now what?

Day 2 of “yoga” watch – HAHA that’s what my husband calls it.  The DVD is now unwrapped and lying next to the DVD player.  Why doesnt it just put itself inside the machine???  It stares at me every night before I go to bed and it waits for me to wake up just to rub it in my face.  Damn yoga DVD – Damn you Jillian! 

On another note, a person (which will remain nameless) has just pushed herself  back into my life recently.  We have known each other for quit some time and our relationship is extremely bi-polar.  One moment we get along great and the next we are true to the grit enemies.  I mean, I’m not in highschool anymore and there are relationships that need to stay gone.  You know that person, the one you love to hate but hate to love but end up friendly because hey its them?  No??  Well damn, I guess I’m the only one that has issues.  Just so it’s said I’m warning myself  “Jo-your gunna get kicked in the ass again so you better watch out – remember the last few times – your damned if you do and your damned if you dont”.  :sigh:

Today was Bring Your Loved One to Lunch Day at my son’s school.  The kid cant take a serious picture to save his life!  But I gotta admit, he’s AMAZING that way 🙂 I love having lunch with him and his lil friends.  He tells me all about who is who and what kind of day he’s having.  I can sit there and watch him for hours.

OH CRAP – I soo have a funny story for you: So on Sunday my husband and I decided to go have breakfast, just him and I at our local iHop.  Where we were sitting there was a couple sitting behind my husband (we had to be romantic and face each other) with two small girls.  One must have been about 9 maybe 10 months old.  She was screaming crying touching everything on the table.  Her mom must have picked her up and set her down 3 or 4 times.  After while we must have gotten used to the noise.  But the next thing I knew I glanced past his shoulder and saw this:

No No do NOT adjust your computer or tilt your head..this my friends is a picture of the little girl FAST asleep on her highchair-thinga-ma-bob.  Do not be alarmed I have EXCELLENT undercover camera skills so I was not arrested.  Now look at this poor little girl, all the while her parents enjoyed their breakfast they LEFT their child like this for the ENTIRE time they ate.  No on touched her or even offered to fix her little neck.  Here’s another photo – I like this one cause you can see her little poof of her hair:

I know its wrong that my husband and I laughed for HOURS at this picture.  I mean who does this? 

Have a HAPPY HUMP DAY – ugh its already past 2 – time to do some squats *insert fart noise here*

Spring I HATE you

Yes, its Spring and the birds are chirping and the kids are getting ready for Spring Break.  As each day ends its another reminder of how close summer is.  And of course in the mail Victoria Secret reminds me of how much I have lacked my motivation (pretty much given up) on achieving my summer goal.  Victoria you can kiss it.

My best friend came over the other day and we got to talkin, at my age it seems my “in shape” clock has begun to slow down.  Things dont function quite the same as they used to.  And some parts dont stand up to ridicule like they used to.  You know “talking” about exercising is all fine and dandy but actually doing it is a PAIN IN THE ASS. 

I have had weights here at work for almost two months now.  I have purchased a Yoga DVD and its still in its wrapper.  I used to be full of energy – ready to take on the world and now all I want to do is sleep.  What happen to me?  No NO dont say it, I’m NOT old!  I’m only 32!  Isnt that the new 25?  When I was 25 my butt stood proud and now it seems its sooo sad. 

Well I came in this morning and did about 10 minutes of weights and squats.  It felt pretty good.  I figure I can do another 10 minutes around 10 o’clock and another at 2 o’clock.  Thats about 30 minutes during the day.  Not to bad if you break it down.  And I just may open that Yoga DVD and attempt 30 minutes of that while my pot roast is in the oven.  And why stop there . . maybe I can get about 5 minutes of cardio on the elliptical.  Yea Yea thats the ticket – PFFFFTTTT like I said its easier to “talk” about it and such a pain in the ass to actually do it. 

I’ll let you all know if I got through day one.     

Spring I HATE you.

I made it through

Well what an interesting baseball game.  My son did a great job!  I was very impressed and I was also impressed with all the mixed emotions of lil ol me there amongst all my true best friends – NOT. 

Between the stares and the wispers, I actually enjoyed most of the game.  I did however, sit on the bleachers and that is something I never do.  I usually sit at the furthest end of the field, depending on which side my son is on.  Unfortunatley, I forgot my handy dandy chair so I played nice on the bleachers. 

One thing you must know about me, when I get nervous or uncomfortable I tend to chit chat about NONSENSE.  I dont talk smack I just talk about the most random things.  Another bad habit I need to kick.  I should have drank at least a six pack before I went. 

With that said I have gained so much “beer” weight its CRAZY!  Does anyone know of a pilates class thats cheap????  Or a great video of pilates?  I tried the 90x thing and because I live upstairs the downstairs neighbors have a bit of a problem with me working out.  I just dont understand, I drink most of my meals and I’m still gettin a booty hahahaha well theres nothing wrong with that except for all the damn dimples!!!  How am I gunna wear my monokini with cheese hanging out my bottom???  You see, random NONSENSE!!!  Gotta love a talker  – Silver Lining 😉

Pilates the Great

Is it already almost February?  Did I fall asleep somewhere and miss about two weeks??!?!  Well CRAP! 

With that being said and all the blogs about “getting healthy” and “eating right” to the fitness guru’s shouting “GET READY FOR SUMMER – get your summer bod in 6 weeks!”  bleh bleh bleh … I find myself running out of time to get an actual routine going that will make me want to workout.  You see for me (as you have read before) I get a green grass up my butt and decide to go crazy and work my flabs out.  I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again.  I HATE running and although I have a pooch in my lower abdomen I refuse to give up my booze.  Now, back to the healthy crap. 

I have been drinking more water and have been making healthier choices on my lunch menu.  I have even started Pilates.  Now now dont go all crazy, its not like I take a class or go to the gym.  I watch the girl on my blackberry with ear buds on and do it at home :).  At first when all I did was watch the bi**h do it I thought “that sh*t is easy!  And each video is only 10 min NO problem I got this” The first day I went home and brought out the yoga mat I was psyched up.  Ready to go, even brought out a 15lb dumb bell so I could do my squats and lunges after.  Pfffft this was gunna be a breaze!  OH HELL it soooo wasnt!  Has anyone done Pilates?  Anyone???  HOLY crap and the magnificent (I cant call her the “b” word anymore – too much respect) woman taking you through it was talking at the same time!  I couldnt stop shaking!  I couldnt even complete all the routines!

I did the best I could and SCREW the squats and lunges at this point.  But all in all I felt great after.  My core felt like I put in some work and I only had two glasses of wine instead of the full bottle (well mainly because I was still shaking and that didnt feel nice).  The next morning I cursed every stair I had to climb.  I didnt give a rats ass if I looked crazy or like I had a stick up my butt I was SORE!

The second night of Pilates were intense!  I made noises I never knew I could make.  Yea I may have cursed a few times and actually almost completed a few routines without resting or wanting to puke.  And after I did a full 5 minutes of squats and lunges (hey its a start). 

So far its been 5 full days of at home pilates/squats/lunges each day lasting about 20 minutes.  I am honestly preparing myself for that P90X thing.  My friend not only uses it but sells it.  I am in no hurry to have a bikini body.  I figure 2 to 3 months should give me enough time . . . right?  Ugh I hate being a girl!

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