Archive for the ‘ Embarrassing ’ Category

Dear Maker of The Panty Liner

First off let me say, you have created a wonderful little life saver.  Not only is it small and neat but it does wonders for self confidence when your not too sure if a tampon and/or pad will be needed or all of thee above.  But, yes there is a but, who the hell is in charge of the packaging?  Whats with all the bright colors or the sudden pink wrapping?  Come on people can we be a little more discreet?

seriously?

I have seen a wide range of different types of wrappings.  And all I can think is REALLY????  Are we shouting out “HELLO I MAY DRIP DOWN THERE SO I NEED PROTECTION!”.

I work in an office where we have two bathrooms that we all share.  One is a designated #1 only and the other is strictly #2 and let me tell ya when we all see each other heading towards the direction to the #2 bathroom its kinda awkward.  I am the only female in the office.  Yup, so you can imagine when I go in the #2 bathroom after a man – lets just say its not pleasant.

— as a P.S. we’re having an office meeting and I am taking over a bathroom and calling it my own — just a tid bit of information for ya.

Okay so back to my point, seeing as I am the only female in the office, there are times when a panty liner needs to come in play.  Well its embarrassing that there’s a bright pink, purple, blue and even green wrapping in the trash bin.  I mean do I wrap the wrapping with toilet paper?  And if I do wrap it with toilet paper, aren’t I just wasting valuable material and contributing more to the waste dump??

So I ask you Playtex, Kotex, Always, Go Girl, Glad Rags (yes there is a brand called Glad Rags) why cant you wrap the panty liners with a not so bright wrapping?  Maybe a white or ivory?  Perhaps you should look into teaming up with the toilet paper company and getting a few ideas from them.  I dont know but please look into it.

 

Sincerely

A Panty Liner User

Winey Monday

There should be a law for all the Mothers who celebrated Mothers Day (the way I do) they should automatically get the Monday that follows OFF…..ugh damn wine

Yesterday my loving husband made breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen after (oh yeah he got a huge star for the day) while my little spawns straightened up the house as I folded laundry . . . ugh Damn Wine

It was a little tough for me to be around most people so I sent my hubby and 9 yr old off to Seaworld to celebrate Mothers Day with my mother n law.  My daughter stayed with me and we rented movies and I drank – ALOT …ugh damn wine

I dont remember much after 5pm but as I scrolled through my phone this morning at began to read all my sent text messages – the memories came streaming back….ugh DAMN wine

Some were good some were bad and some were just ummm lets just say I was feeling a little bit proud of some certain pictures and if I were to ever run for office there would be a scandal!  …… ugh DAMN WINE :note to self send apology text(s):

Over all Mothers Day turned out great but today I despise wine . . well until I feel better HA!

Oh Yea – He’s Scarred FOR LIFE

Everyone has a memory or has a story of a friend’s memory from childhood of walking in on parents having sex, right?  Oh yea . . . . I’ve touched that inner fear, that locked away image you keep extra tight way deep in your  secret memory vault you so want to forget.  A HA!  Well we have given that same gift to our youngest.  And boy was it a doosie.

Like normal couples with children, we all have a designated time when we can do the dirty.  Some prefer the closet, some prefer the bathroom.  All in all, if you have children you have to coordinate the sexual escapades just right to prevent the scream of horror and utter embarrassment of your children catching you in the act.  For years my husband and I have been the braggers amongst our friends with children who havent been caught.  They all have said “just wait, you guys will have your day” and we never thought it would happen to us.  We have both experienced the nightmare of catching a friend’s parents going at it and we would pay top dollar to get that image removed from our memory. 

Oh yea we were amongst the few, the elite set of parents who could brag well that is until last Wednesday night.  (insert dum DUM DUUUUMMMM sound here). 

It started off as any other spring vacation day.  My husband and I took the day off work to take our youngest to a Padre game.  We had amazing seats.  Our youngest was absolutely thrilled.  And because we’re high rollers (NOT) we sat in the all-you-can-eat section.  The day was perfect, great view, great food and great drinks!  We ran into one of my son’s friends there, they didnt have the wrist ban for the food so we made a deal.  We’ll give you all the hotdogs/drinks/popcorn/peanuts you want in exchange for beer (oh come one now thats a deal!).  Remember its ALL YOU CAN EAT.  The kids had a blast.  They caught some balls and we enjoyed our beers. 

All in all it was a good day.  My son beamed from ear to ear telling his older brother and sister about his day at the ballpark. 

That evening, like normal, we all get the ready for bed.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  And like normal 2:00AM rolls around and I feel a *tap tap tap* on my shoulder and its mommy and daddy time (OH YEAH).  I’m not sure when it happened but IT DID and we heard “OH MY GOD DAD GET OFF MY MOMMY!!” then SLAM of the bathroom door.  Of course my husband was as suave as a deer caught in the headlights scrambling to get himself together, where as I just laid there and thought “maybe if I stay real still no one will see me” – uh no – that didnt work. 

I immediately asked my husband if we should go talk to him and of course he said “no babe it’s all good he’ll be fine he’ll forget all about it” . . another wrong move.  First thing the next morning my son runs out to the dining room and begins to laugh. 

Siah (while he’s humping the air shouts) – “You guys are gross – Dad you were all crazy on top of mom!  I cant believe you were making a baby last night!  Mom said you weren’t going to have anymore you guys lied!” 

Dad – “we weren’t making a baby.” 

Siah – “eww then you were putting it in my mom on purpose????”

Dad – “Pop, we do that all the time”

Siah – “Well not anymore, I’m gunna start sleeping with you guys.  Your gunna break my mom dad!”

At that we left things alone (mostly because we couldnt stop laughing and I know I was RED from embarrassment).  I decided to talk to him about it later when my husband wasnt around.  But I know my son will NEVER forget what he saw.  He must have told his brother and sister a 100 times and some of his cousins about his ordeal.  OH the joy of Marriage and Children.

Wrappings Off – Now what?

Day 2 of “yoga” watch – HAHA that’s what my husband calls it.  The DVD is now unwrapped and lying next to the DVD player.  Why doesnt it just put itself inside the machine???  It stares at me every night before I go to bed and it waits for me to wake up just to rub it in my face.  Damn yoga DVD – Damn you Jillian! 

On another note, a person (which will remain nameless) has just pushed herself  back into my life recently.  We have known each other for quit some time and our relationship is extremely bi-polar.  One moment we get along great and the next we are true to the grit enemies.  I mean, I’m not in highschool anymore and there are relationships that need to stay gone.  You know that person, the one you love to hate but hate to love but end up friendly because hey its them?  No??  Well damn, I guess I’m the only one that has issues.  Just so it’s said I’m warning myself  “Jo-your gunna get kicked in the ass again so you better watch out – remember the last few times – your damned if you do and your damned if you dont”.  :sigh:

Today was Bring Your Loved One to Lunch Day at my son’s school.  The kid cant take a serious picture to save his life!  But I gotta admit, he’s AMAZING that way 🙂 I love having lunch with him and his lil friends.  He tells me all about who is who and what kind of day he’s having.  I can sit there and watch him for hours.

OH CRAP – I soo have a funny story for you: So on Sunday my husband and I decided to go have breakfast, just him and I at our local iHop.  Where we were sitting there was a couple sitting behind my husband (we had to be romantic and face each other) with two small girls.  One must have been about 9 maybe 10 months old.  She was screaming crying touching everything on the table.  Her mom must have picked her up and set her down 3 or 4 times.  After while we must have gotten used to the noise.  But the next thing I knew I glanced past his shoulder and saw this:

No No do NOT adjust your computer or tilt your head..this my friends is a picture of the little girl FAST asleep on her highchair-thinga-ma-bob.  Do not be alarmed I have EXCELLENT undercover camera skills so I was not arrested.  Now look at this poor little girl, all the while her parents enjoyed their breakfast they LEFT their child like this for the ENTIRE time they ate.  No on touched her or even offered to fix her little neck.  Here’s another photo – I like this one cause you can see her little poof of her hair:

I know its wrong that my husband and I laughed for HOURS at this picture.  I mean who does this? 

Have a HAPPY HUMP DAY – ugh its already past 2 – time to do some squats *insert fart noise here*

I made it through

Well what an interesting baseball game.  My son did a great job!  I was very impressed and I was also impressed with all the mixed emotions of lil ol me there amongst all my true best friends – NOT. 

Between the stares and the wispers, I actually enjoyed most of the game.  I did however, sit on the bleachers and that is something I never do.  I usually sit at the furthest end of the field, depending on which side my son is on.  Unfortunatley, I forgot my handy dandy chair so I played nice on the bleachers. 

One thing you must know about me, when I get nervous or uncomfortable I tend to chit chat about NONSENSE.  I dont talk smack I just talk about the most random things.  Another bad habit I need to kick.  I should have drank at least a six pack before I went. 

With that said I have gained so much “beer” weight its CRAZY!  Does anyone know of a pilates class thats cheap????  Or a great video of pilates?  I tried the 90x thing and because I live upstairs the downstairs neighbors have a bit of a problem with me working out.  I just dont understand, I drink most of my meals and I’m still gettin a booty hahahaha well theres nothing wrong with that except for all the damn dimples!!!  How am I gunna wear my monokini with cheese hanging out my bottom???  You see, random NONSENSE!!!  Gotta love a talker  – Silver Lining 😉

Do Over Please

Dont you just hate  those mornings that when the moment you wake up its like a bomb goes off?  Normally, I have pretty quick mornings – get the kids up and dressed and out the door.  Normally, the mornings run smooth and easy – yeah there are some arguments here and there and bit of dirty looks from one sibling to the other but normally my mornings are pretty snazzy.

Well this morning was not at all snazzy or even one bit a part of the word normal.  :closing my eyes taking a deep breath and gulping a big swig of my coffee:

BEEP BEEP BEEP went the alarm at approximately 6:15am.  My husband has already left to the gym (at 430am).  Okay time to start the day – Get up grab the dog and take him for the morning walk.  “Come on Sabyn lets go” maybe he wasnt ready to make his morning début so he laid there staring at me.  “Come on Sabyn its cold outside so we need to make this quick” he just stares.  :SIGH: “Okay big boy lets go” I bend down pick him up (he’s 55lbs at 6 months) and help him along to the stairs.  I have to practically drag him to the grass.  He walked around sniffed and squatted.  “Great, now come on lets goo inside” Nope he wasnt having it.  First the dog didnt want to go outside now the dog didnt want to go inside . . geeeez. 

After hauling him up the stairs take him in, feed him and give him his morning medicine (which means I shove my hand down his throat while he gags and pushes me away – have I mentioned how much fun I’m having at this point?) I proceed to wake up the rest of the clan.  My 15 yr old daughter has already left for school (she’s the smart one to leave early enough before the boys open their eyes).  I go into my 9 yrs old’s room and turn the light on “Okay pop time to get up its Monday – Your clothes are on the bed” …. he mumbles, farts and turns over.  “Come on son we have 20 minutes” … mumbles, farts and covers his head with the pillow.  Grrrreeeeaaattt :BIG SIGH:

I leave the room to head to my 13yr old’s room — knock knock “hey poppa its 6:45” – grumble “k mom” . . . I head back to my 9 yr old’s room and he’s still covered in the bed.  I grab the blankets “Come on baby lets go!” and from that point until we left at 730 is pretty much a blur.

I know there was some crying in there along with yelling (and that was just from me) theres no telling what the boys were fighting about or yelling about.  I know the door slammed a few times and maybe the milk was spilled somewhere (i’ll have to go home for lunch and really take a look at the damage). 

Theres one thing I dislike (well maybe there are a few things but) the most is yelling at my kids first thing in the morning.  It makes me physically ill. 

I finally make it in to work and low and behold the hubby calls to check on how everything went this morning.  Thats when I cracked I bawled all the events out in one sobbing breath.  He said he was sorry the morning went bad and that he’ll have a talk with the kids later (hat usually NEVER happens).  I tried to explain it wasnt the fact that the morning was hard it was the fact that I yelled.  He didnt get it . . Can I just have a do over?  Please?

Bronze Baby

I decided (on the down low mind you) that I would begin to use a sunless tanner during this wonderful winter season.  Why?  Well as you all have experienced – we didnt have a normal summer.  I live in San Diego and it was by far thee oddest summer we had in over 10 years.  Normally, its all about the beach, pool, parks and bay but we did not do none of it.  As a result, I have a weird tan.  Yup the three different lines on my legs and the multi tank top strap/non strap tan lines on my top. 

My Christmas party is coming up and I wanted to wear a low back top (I know sexy right-pffft HAHAHAHAHA) but my back is semi tanned looking a bit jaundice-like.  So my bright idea (insert lightbulb above head here) I thought I’ll use a sunless tanner every night and PRESTO – a nice shimmering tan.  Smart right?  Normally, that would be a great idea and as I have said it time and time and TIME again – I am thee furthest from normal.  Well . . . . last night after my shower I decided to rub this joyous cream ALL over.  Yes, including my face and buttox.  I had my daughter “evenly” apply to my back.  I told her NOT to tell the “man” (I hope to surprise him with my new found body and tan :wink wink: ) 

Well this morning as I began to get ready for work i noticed a giraffe like spot on my arm.  (See below)

Well CRAP! 

Sooooo tonight I will apply the second coat and hopefully get it right.  Watch out Jersey Shore Im bronzing BABY!

Thoughts to ponder

I was asked a question by one of my girlfriend’s last night during our 8 o’clock Thirsty Thursday Wine Nights

“Is it cheating if you think about someone else while your being intimate (Im cleaning up her version) with your man?”

We all began to laugh – WTH? 

“In what sense?” I asked – I wasnt sure what she was referring to.  Was this going to turn into a confession session?

“Well I’ve been reading this book and its absolutlely amazing and I find myself thinking of one of the characters – you know while we’re (insert “f” word here)”

I started laughing “Girl your a fool – seriously a book character?” but then I started thinking.  Sex sells so much out there from books to movies, clothes, music etc.

“Come on (insert my name here) you’ve never had your mind wonder while your doin the deed?”

Hmmmm . . . . have I?  This raised my eyebrow (literally) and I sat there actually thinking about this.  And what if my husband has or does – would I be angry?  The more I thought if it the more I realized – yes yes I have thought of someone else.  Well crap!  Is this cheating?  Am I mentally cheating on my husband?  As it is my husband and I have been practicing this whole new world of being honest with each other and discussing certain things we normally hid from each other and it has actually made us closer (go fig.).

Of course I dont think of someone every time we get down and dirty but it has happened.  All of us became quiet.  It was like someone turned a light on – no one has ever brought this up.  And maybe because secretly we have never wanted to admit that we, as married women, that we’ve been there and done that.   

My group of friends are very diverse.  I have two – yes count them – 1 – 2 very good friends that know my deepest darkest secrets . . its taken a couple years to realize who are my friends and those who just want to corrupt and kill my home.  Of my two friends one has been married for 10 years and the other is just beginning to date after a ugly divorce.  Both have children and both I would lay my life for.  With that being said – I was asked “so how do separate your ‘interests’  while your with your husband?” – they always make me laugh when they ask me questions about my preferences.  “Well for me, its the mood Im in, either I want fish or steak.” LOL

So is thinking about someone else while doing the deed considered cheating?

Passion Party Conversation

You know how all the moms tell you “be careful – kids pick up everything you say” – you would think, since I have two teenagers and a 9 year old that think their 21, I would use discretion more.  But then again – we’re talking about me here. 

So what happened was – LOL (I think I’ve had way too much coffee this morning).  Last night my husband and I were discussing this weekends schedule.  With one very important day… Friday. Now for all you ladies I have two words for you, Passion Party.  Whats this you ask?  For those of  you that are not familiar with Passion Parties, its not a tupper ware party but has plenty of plastic, latex and gizzmo’s.  A Passion Party is a party when a group of ladies (it could be co-ed depends on the hostess) get together and well hmmm – okay I’ll just say it – Its a sex party.  No no no not an orgy party or anything its you know where you can order/buy your favorite toys, lotions, creams, lingerie, ect. for the bedroom (or in my case the living room). 

Anywho – my husband is a DJ and was asked to DJ the after party for my best friends daughter (she’s the one having the party).  Of course my husband’s co-workers are anxiously awaiting for the after party (hello a bunch of tipsy ladies all “bothered” from all the variety of well you know).  Back to where I was going with this in the first place – so last night my husband and I were discussing Friday’s events.  From the time he needs to set up and what music he’ll need to play.  We thought our kids were getting ready for bed but as luck would have it our 9 year old is an excellent spy/recorder.  Of course my husband and I joked about the up coming evenings events and the gadgets he wouldnt mind me owning.  Afterall, we knew the majority of the women that would be there and more importantly all the men waiting for 9pm to roll around (insert dirty talk here).

This morning as I was getting ready for work, my daughter and son sat on their beds laughing.  Grrreeeat, please dont let this be about the Nookie Neighbors (see Naturalistic Paganism v Condo Nookie).  Oh no MUCH worse.  “Mom whats a dildo?” . . oh shit!  Ummm okay breathe – dont laugh.  “Dad said all the ladies were gunna be juiced up and ready for his boys cause of all the different dildos you’ll be looking at”.  “Did you listen to me and your dad last night?”.  “Yea I wanted to make sure you two weren’t gunna do anything, I saw you kiss daddy in the kitchen”.  “Your NOT supossed to listen to us when we’re discussing adult things. ”  “So, whats a dildo?”.  “A dildo is birth control now get ready for school and DO NOT say that word again!  Its a bad word just like Bendijo – You DONT say it”.  “Dang, okay then dont talk about stuff you dont want us to hear.  Gross birthcontrol thats to not have babies right?  Good I dont want no babies, Im going to buy my wife a dildo when I get married”.  Okay thats when I ran to the bathroom and laughed my ass off. 

Todays lesson – never assume your children cant hear you because you’ll make an ass of yourself 🙂

Oh it Must have been the weekend

Friday started off grand – I did meet up with an old friend but unfortunately she had just – I mean just just  broke up with her boyfriend (or the other way around) all due to her mother.  I really cant get into details over that but any over protective mothers out there (mind you my friend is 32 years old) Please do NOT run your daughters boyfriend’s license plates and then proceed to call his EX girlfriend for some dirt.  All of this screams “I AM A PSYCHO-OVER-PROTECTIVE MOTHER AND WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE IF YOU MARRY MY DAUGHTER YOU SON OF A BIT**” or something along those lines.  Anywho she was a mess and sometimes there arent any words (thank you Forrest Gump).

Saturday was fun.  Well it started off fun.  My youngest had his football game (we lost 18-22) but it was an exciting game.  We then headed to our oldest boy’s All Star picnic (aka ice chest and friends get together while the kids play baseball) and ended up at our friends house for some more drinks and finger foods.  Somewhere throughout my day I must have forgotten I needed some type of solid substance to balance out all my beverage choices and before I knew it (12 Midnight to be exact) my beverages decided it was time they vacated their temporary living space. 

Now since I’m a “classy” broad and very “clever” at this point – I felt it necessary to kill two birds with one stone.  So as I sat there on my porcelain friend I looked down and thought (or maybe I said it out load – seems my daughter said she could hear me having a conversation with no one) the “triangular space” is perfectly big enough to allow my beverages to exit while my bladder shrunk.  OH SO I THOUGHT but as you all know once you start the “up chuck” reflex there is NO WAY you can stop until your stomach decides it needs a break.  That “triangular space” was NO WAY near as large as I thought and so my chest, lap and the lil itty bitty part of the porcelain that was exposed (not to mention my Va Jay Jay) had been coated with Hot link and beer.  Scrumptious I know!  Did I mention we were at our friend’s house?? 

YUP – so after I showered myself off in their sink – I stumbled outside only to find my hubby staring at me wide eyed and then start laughing.  “Did you fall in the toilet??”  Oh it felt like I had.  I appologized to our friends and explained that I had just spewed and not to come near me as I would probably kill them with my odor.  My husband (the sober one – Thank God) gathered our things and we went home.  That night will go down in the books thats for sure. 

Sunday was ummm – nice.  I wanted to die for the majority of the morning but like the “champ” (its what the hubby calls me due to my alcohol tolerance level – I am SOOO not proud) that I am I showered and headed to yet another travel ball game (2pm), went out to dinner with the my babies and grocery shopped.  I know somewhere this last weekend I got some sleep but man it sure doesnt feel like it. 

Happy Monday – is it nap time yet???