Oh it Must Be Christmas

Last minute Christmas shoppers – you know who you are – the ones who wait till the very last week to shop for your ENTIRE family.  Sometimes I wonder what in the hell you were doing for the last month since Thanksgiving HELLO you’ve had plenty of time.  With that being said, I am one of the LAST minute Christmas shoppers.  Damn me.  Yes yes .. Hello my name is ___ and I am a Last Minute Christmas Shopper.  I have attended these meetings for four years in a row now and it seems I just can’t make it out to shop at a reasonable time.  Damn me.

Yesterday I decided I would venture out to the place that many call the mall.  I figured many of the townsfolk would be in church and that would give me at least a couple of hours before the BIG crowd hit the lot.  Enter Side Note Here: I hate the malls – I havent walked into a mall since Christmas of 09.  I have no clue what and where each store is. –Back to the shopping – I hit the mall at around 930 AM.  I left my warm house with everyone still sleeping and had NOT had my coffee but I am happy to say I at least combed my hair and put on some make-up. 

I drive a clunker – yup and I’m proud of it.  I mean clunker in every “c” to the “eeerrrrr” I could possibly mean.  I see you shaking your head thinking “it can’t be that bad” -Oh yes yes it is – I have to disconnect the battery every time I park to ensure that it will start when Im ready to depart my location.  So here I am all 5ft and 1inch (im very proud of that 1 inch) of me bent over head first under the hood of my gorgeous stallion (ewww get your mind out of the gutter) :enter sweaty hot chick with wife beater and grease all over with tattoos here – dont forget the torn jeans and hankie hanging from back pocket: pffffft I WISH more like my pretend Uggs jeans and over sized sweater with hair flying in my mouth sticking to my chapstick – sexy right?  Yeah I thought so too HAHA – crap went waaaay off subject.  My car – oh yes I love it!  No car payments and it gets me from point A to point B, now you can’t beat that.

So I pull up to the mall and I find a parking space about a mile away from the place.  I don’t mind walking.  So I proceed to disconnect my battery and make my way to the place, that when I leave, I’ll be silently sobbing as I clutch my empty wallet.  I begin to walk past cars waiting and creeping to find that parking space that will get them that much closer.  I think to myself as I pass them “look dude just park at the end of the place and walk – I did and now I’m walking into the mall while you wait for 15 to 20 more minutes silently cursing the holidays.  Dumb ass”  damn maybe I thought I thought it but I may have said it out loud.  I can’t really remember but the finger – I remember that old ass lady and her wrinkled middle finger.  Yup I said it out loud.  My bad.

The mall was nice and decorated to the point where if I were to poop right there and then it would be ornaments of every color while Christmas songs passed as my farts.  I know – I’m crude.  Anywho, I walked around the mall about three times and got most of the things my dear grateful (NOT) children wanted.  Before I left I wanted to stop by the bookstore and pick up a few reading materials.  I wandered around and I could have sworn there was a book store at the mall.  I walked up to a nice lady (she looked smart so I took my chance she would know about a book store) “Excuse me but wasnt there a bookstore here?” She looked at me a little confused “A bookstore? You don’t own a computer?” as she pulled out her top of the line phone and waved it in my face.  “you can download most of your books to your phone or order them online.  It’s just easier that way”.  O     K.  So I guess that meant there was no more book store in the mall.  I guess I’m a little slow in times now. 

Over all, my trip to the mall was nice. I shopped and listened to people bicker back and forth about what size Auntie Jean was and how much the coffee has gone up but it tasted sooo good.  I vowed not to go back until next year. 

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  1. I too am a last minute shopper. I deal with the shame as I fight for parking, gifts, and snarl and beat my fists at the annoying shoppers.
    I always say next year will be different. It never is. I am a repeat offender. I need an intervention!

  2. Thankfully, I am done. I just have a few mroe things to wrap but I am normally a last minute shopper. Come tot hink of it, i thin this is the first year EVER that I din’t have to go find something on Christmas Eve.

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