Blemish and Va-jay-jay cream

This morning – like every morning, I come into work and begin my internet search.  Check out what my best friends (the celebrities) are up to and what new fad I’ll try out this coming weekend.  But this morning I had a purpose for my search.  A couple of days ago I woke up with this MASSIVE pimple on my forehead.  You know the kind that hurts when you raise your eyebrows.  Of course I was pissed I was developing my new friend.  I haven’t had a zit since I was 16.  Maybe my skin is reverting back to my teenage years, I don’t know, but my ass/belly need to follow my skin’s lead.  Back to my point, I have that twitch that if I feel a bump I have the urge to scratch/squeeze that motha dry.  Unfortunately, the forehead is thee worse place to dissect – and really how do pimples form around this area?  Its not like theres enough cushion between the bone and skin to collect dirt/oil/nastiness in the first place.  Go on, feel your forehead – I’ll wait .  . . ..  .. . its like rubbing a thin layer of skin against the bone.  

My new friend formed right above my left eyebrow.  On Tuesday, even though my 9 yr old told me not to mess with it, I headed to the bathroom and began my surgical procedure.  BAD IDEA.  Nothing came out and all I felt was pain.  Grrrreeeaaaat so I did what any other normal person would do.  I packed some toothpaste on that bastard, crossed my fingers and hoped it would be better the next morning. 

Wednesday morning came and I burst out of bed and washed my face.  OH HELL TO THE NO!  It was WORSE!  It looked like I had a bullet hole (you know the kind you see in a movie) the size of a pencil eraser in my forehead.  Well crap!  My husband came in the bathroom and his first words were “what the hell happen to you?” – uh hello Mr Man you didn’t notice the toothpaste aroma coming from my head last night?  I briefly explained what happen and blamed him for it (it had to be someone else’s fault, it HAD to be).  I apparently burned my skin with the toothpaste.  I’m telling you its freaken NASTY!  I have a triple bday party to go to tonight and if I don’t find a beanie to hid this monster I aint going! 

Ok so back to my search – the best home remedy for blemishes (under statement of the century but whatever) and I came across a web site that gave great advice.  Lemon, oddly enough, is the best thing for blemishes.  Of course we don’t have lemon here at the office (what kind of business you think we’re running?) but we sure as hell have some limes (who doesn’t?).  After my morning visit to the facilities to rub the lime juices over my growth, I came back to my desk and read further.  Off to the side of this web site there is an ad for Vagina Tightening Cream.  No need to re-read that last line – I’ll retype VAGINA TIGHTENING CREAM.  

Of course I clicked the link (you know for research purposes) and the first line states: You probably have one question in your mind – How can I tighten my Vagina? (my first question in my mind went more like “WTF?  The Vagina gets loose?????”) I read the advertisement – I was baffled.  I immediately called my husband. 

“Is my Va-Jay-Jay loose honey?” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“I read online that my flower loses shape as I get older and there’s a cream to fix that” 

“Babe, your poo poo (his nick name for my vagina) is (insert dirty talk here) and everytime I (insert really dirty talk here) I (insert topper).”  – due to privacy and fowl language the rest of the conversation is prohibited on this blog 😉 

The point of this blog – Do not attempt to irritate a zit formed on your forehead and Lemon is the best home remedy for blemishes.  Now where did I put my Twix?

  1. Bah ha ha ha ha … very interesting. As I wipe the tears away, I must say. Zits are the worst and come in the most horrible times. I don’t get them a lot …but when I do I am in the bathroom for hours trying to blow it to kingdom come.
    Its the universe.
    I blame the universe.

    • I have been trying to find the silver lining to my delimma – allI can come up with is – At Least The Pimple Isnt on My Ass 🙂

  2. I’m sitting my ass on a lemon wedge when I get home. I’ve got a left but cheek pimple. Not cool.

    • OUCH! HAHA nice!!! I’ve rubbed the lime on twice already – Lime juice BURNS the eyes … tomorrows news clip “Woman goes blind juicin her pimple with Lime – sues website and is awarded Vagina Tightening Cream” LOL

  3. LMAO. Thanks for bringing a tear to my eye. Note to self *toothpaste burns and always keep a lemon handy*

    Now for the Va-jay-jay. It really blows my mind some of the advertisements I’ve come across and I can’t help but click and read (for research of course), but that has to be one of the funniest damn things I haven’t come across yet.

    • Im hearing Vicks works best – but I dont know this is coming from the friend that advised the toothpaste 😉

      Im still mind boggled about the Va-Jay-Jay loosing shape. I mean, is that true???

      • I hope it isn’t true. Maybe this research is good for in event if an “emergency”, ya know? Just in case all the horror stories do come true. I’ll have to ask someone and get back to you……Don’t think I won’t do it 😉

      • I think you should take a survey (you know for “research”) hee hee

  4. I’m almost thirty years old ans still break out like a teenager. It’s a nightmare. I HAVE used toothpaste, but it doesn’t work all that well

    I try not to pick anymore, because when you do, it leaves a little scab, and then you can’t put makeup on over it without it being TOTALLY obvious. If I don’t pick and it’s just a bump, at least I can probably put makeup on smoothly over it.

    Which is probably the cause of the breakouts to begin with.

    • Its a sickness I tell ya . . I HAVE to pick scrape itch scratch squeeze and now I have this this “thing” on my forehead and whats worse it it did form a scab and I accidentially scratched it off so now it looks like I have a bowl shaped dent in my head. Literally.

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