Birthday Eve

The moon last night was amazing!  I sat out side and took it all in.  Placed a chair by the pool enjoyed the crisp night air.  I let my mind wonder – thoughts and memories.  And just then I felt her.  My mom.  I couldnt help but cry.  Not just any cry but the whole hiccup cant breathe cry.  In all honesty I am a very unattractive crier.  Boogers, red swollen eyes, ugly facial details nothing like how those actresses protray in the movies.  You know the sentimental cry that hits the heart but they still maintain.  Oh no not me. 

The tears and the uncontrollable sobs were at first very sad.  I stared at the moon and the bright star next to it (I think Mars) and I wondered what the view would be from heaven.  What my mom could see.  Everything was so still.  The kids were asleep no crickets chirping not a single rustle of the leaves interrupted this sob filled moment.  The air seemed to fill in around me in a thick cool hug.  My first birthday without hearing her say it.  Without seeing her and giving her a big hug thanking her for the newest book she had purchased for me.  It hurt.  So much bullshit has been going on and at times it gets very overwelming.  It would be so much easier to throw in the towel.  But I cant.  How can I?  My mom never did.  She fought she stood up and screamed “What else you got?!” I am a product of this amazing woman and I am proud of all the lessons she has taught me.

So on this Birthday Eve I will cry – yes but I will continue to fight with tear stained cheeks.  I cant and will not throw in the towel.  And I will wait patiently to see each one of those bastards get their karma HAHAHA . . okay that was mean maybe I’ll not exactly watch but I will laugh.  Happy TGIF

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